A positive thoughtful strategy for your relationship

Being positively thoughtful seems to come easily to people new to a relationship.  The potential for discovery of all the fascinating dimensions of the other person drives their attending to who and what the other person is.  Getting to know the other better is a prime driver.  Yes, I recognize that much of this is energized and directed by a need and desire to be in a relationship with the other. A need to have the other like me, want me.  A need and desire to “have the other be mine.”  At this stage in the relationship, both parties are experiencing (suffering from?) what has been called the “simple madness” of infatuation.  That madness has been given a name, limerence.  More about limerence later.  For now, let’s just agree that nearly everyone has experience with this feeling of “falling in love.”  During this stage of the relationship, saying and doing nice things for the other seems simple, even organic and natural.  It seems to come without intent or volition.  Noticing the other and the other’s traits, qualities and characteristics is what seems to come naturally and unbidden.  It is this flow of positive feedback from one to the other that fuels and defines the loving relationship.  It is not simply flattery, however flattering it may feel.  It is the mutually contributed energy that binds each to the other.  If a relationship fails because it was starved of this energy, then it is because the parties in the relationship stopped feeding it.  An early mistake that couples make is in no longer giving these little nuggets of positive feedback to each other. They give them either less often or worse, not at all.  It similar to expecting the rose bush to give you beautiful, fragrant blooms when you have forgotten to feed it.  This happens because people become complacent in the relationship, feeling/believing they have it and don’t need to work on it.   Probably because they were unaware that what they had been doing in the early stages of the relationship was work.  Happy work, yes, unconscious and unawares work, yes, but work none the less.  If you watch couples who have happy, fulfilling, durable relationships, one of the things you notice is that they still notice each other and are free with their positive comments.  Further, one of the things you’ll notice is that they are positive about the traits, qualities or characteristics of the other that are different from their own.  They know how to recognize their differences and they celebrate them.  They recognize, consciously or unconsciously, that their differences are complementary and bring strength to the relationship.  In music terms these differences are seen as harmonious and not discordant.  Couples in my office who have a troubled relationship will often seize on these differences and see them as problematic and the other in the relationship as a problem for not wanting to straighten up and be more like them.  They often forget that these same differences were once seen as interesting and admirable.  So, after all that background, what kind of exercise or activity can be engaged in to help bolster and grow a relationship.

Simple exercise  #2

This is one of the simplest of the exercises I prescribe to couples.  I simply tell each of them to plan to give a positive feedback nugget of communication to the other each day. The giving needs to be unannounced and not have any expectation of reciprocation attached. They must do more than plan to do it, they must do it.  Yes, I understand this may take some planning.  I understand that they will have to be thoughtful and intentional.  I understand that this will feel artificial and strange at first.  I understand that they might feel like it will not be as good as it would be if they gave the nugget spontaneously. It may not feel as magical.  It will feel good to both parties. An addition to this exercise is to ask for a specific nugget from the other once a day, and getting it.  Oh, I hear you say what so many of my couples say.  “It won’t be as good if I have to ask for that nugget and that’s why I’m getting it.” Unanticipated nuggets are delightful, for sure.  They are delightful because they are unanticipated and therefore are a happy surprise.  The nugget you have asked for can be as fulfilling if it is seen in a particular light.  In someways the nugget asked for is better.  It took courage to ask for it in the face of the possibility it would be denied.  It is a particularly strong way of demonstrating your trust in the other.  A nugget received this way gives the giver a chance to know what the other’s needs are and saves them from having to guess.  It is an opportunity for the giver to demonstrate how much the other’s needs mean to them and their willingness to give a loving and supportive response. 

Try it.  Can’t hurt to be intentionally nice.

Next time we'll look at another "simple thing"

Love is not a noun it is a verb.

It is not a thing that we get but something that we do