Commitment the life energy of any relationship

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The Chinese symbol for commitment

Commitment is the life energy of any relationship

The dictionary defines commitment as:

(Noun)

1.     The state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity, etc.

2.     A pledge or understanding

3.     A promise or firm understanding to do something

These definitions summarize what individuals take on when engaging in a relationship.  Societies everywhere have seen this as true and necessary in the forming of a relationship.  This is so much so, that weddings have at their core a formal, witnessed set of vows amounting to a promise to make this relationship last and to make it work, a commitment to permanence and dedication to the relationship and to each other. 

Clearly, history and tradition have emphasized the importance of commitment in building and maintaining functional and fulfilling relationships. This historical and anecdotal evidence has been supported and verified by empirical scientific studies.  Over the years a great deal of research has been conducted into what makes relationships last.  Among the number of essential variables that have been identified, commitment has been shown to be one of the variables that is a good predictor of durable, functional and fulfilling relationships. 

Sadly, people sometimes enter into what they hope, imagine might be long term (permanent?) relationships with the belief that some kind of magic will make it happen.  “Love conquers all, and love will carry us through” seems to be their mantra.  They believe that the powerful feelings of love that they experience during their commitment act (“let’s make this permanent, let’s go to the next level, or let’s marry”) will be all that is required to make this a happy, functional, permanent relationship.  Well, they soon discover that the initial glow wears off and they find themselves in the day to day working part of the relationship.  They are about to test their commitment.  This is the time they discover what rewards working at the relationship can bring.  Now they have a chance to discover what relationship experts have known.  Working on and deepening their relationship through being true to their commitment deepens and enriches that commitment.  In my practice people who came to me with relationship distress often told me that they had “fallen out of love.”  A more likely reason for their distress was either: they had simply stopped investing energy and work into the relationship or they came to the relationship not fully committed and expecting it would continue to coast along on the tide of their early infatuation/love. They believed that hopes, plans and dreams would remain constant however vaguely they were perceived. Believing they would go on without nurturing and updating, leads to atrophy and death of hopes, plans and dreams. 

People need to revisit these hopes plans and dreams.  They need to update them and reinforce them.  They need to confer about them and evolve them together.  A simple exercise for getting them to begin this process is a kind of projection.  Each should imagine what the relationship might, ought to look like at a point in the future.  There will be some differences in the two but they can find a mutual path for getting them to their idealized place with out leaving each other behind.   Because their future visions are not identical is not necessarily a problem.  It is more likely an opportunity to problem solve together to find a path that honors and celebrates their visions.  It is contrary to good relationship health to let these divergent ideas about the future remain secret and unknown from each other.  This could well lead to the relationship drift becoming greater and greater until they are just too far apart. Sadly, it is just too easy to assume that the other’s wishes for the future are the same as yours or that they are the same as they were in the past.  It sure can’t hurt to sit down with your relationship partner from time to time to refresh and nurture your future vision

 In a Randy Travis song he sings “I’m gonna love you forever and ever, forever and ever. Amen.” Note that he doesn’t put any conditions on the saying.  He says what he will DO.  He doesn’t say “I hope I will,”  He doesn’t say “for as long as you do the right things or as long as things go alright and are not too tough.”  Inherent in the song is the understanding that love is not something that happens to us or something we fall into.  IT IS SOMETHING THAT WE DO.  I recommend a Clint Black song that catches this idea perfectly.  It is called “something that we do.”