Different strokes: What to do, what to do?

Well, we’ve been talking about strokes as a way of thinking about our communication patterns and styles.  I get that our discussions about communication have all been very interesting.  But, so what?  How does any of that understanding help me to communicate better?  How does all that understanding help me to repair, amend or enrich my relationships?  If only we had some empirical, scientific research to guide our growth toward better communication in our relationships.  If only there were some exercises or skill building tasks that have been shown to be tried, true and effective in enhancing and building communication skills.  Well, lucky us.  There is a whole body of research into what makes a good, strong relationship and the kind of things one can do to build and strengthen one’s ability to engage in a positive relationship.  Communication and relationship skills are just like any other set of skills.  They can be learned and strengthened through targeted exercises.  In fact, the relationship and communication skills you currently employ were probably acquired when you were little at the knee of our parents, siblings, extended family, and community folks that we grew up with.  I can hear it now, “well what if the stuff I learned then isn’t working for me as well as I’d like now?”  I hate to be simplistic but….   You must simply identify the patterns that aren’t working and teach your self new ones.  Yeah, yeah yeah, I hear you.  “That’s easy for you to say” you say.  I didn’t say it was easy.  I said it was simple.  When it comes to relationships and communication skills the age old axiom is true.  Bye the bye, a definition might be helpful here.  It is: an axiom is

noun

1. a statement or proposition which is regarded as being established, accepted, or self-evidently true:

The axiom that is a guiding principle for us is:

Change is simple but not often easy

An example: it is simple to get and maintain good big muscles.  As all of us can attest, it is not so easy.  It takes work.  Sometimes a coach or trainer can help give us guidance and exercises in building good sound muscle tone.  The same is true when it comes to the muscles of relationship and communication skills.  In both cases, getting together a regular regimen of growth and sticking to it is transformative.  But one has to build a regimen that has been shown to bring about positive results.  The coach or trainer can help us identify some exercises that have things to do that have been developed on the basis of science and experience.  We can also look to the example of others in our environment who have skills that we see as positive and desirable.  We can emulate them.  Be healthy “copy cats.” 

Earlier I said, “you must simply identify the patterns that aren’t working and teach yourself new ones.”  That is largely true but, we can simplify things just a bit.  Years ago, one of my clients said he thought that the most direct route to improving his skills was to identify the better and more desirable skills first.  His idea was that he should identify the right way of doing things first and he would do those things often.  He would do them so often that they would crowd out the “not-so-good” things.  If he took up all his time with good stuff there wouldn’t be time for the not so good stuff.  In this way he reckoned that the wholesome way of doing things would become “habituated and second nature” just as the “not-so-good” way had once been.  It is necessary to keep at it over time.  There are no “quick fixes.”  As one of my associates was fond of saying, “It is no surprise that it takes as long to replace a bad habit as it took to acquire it.”

So, let’s look at some exercises for improving and refining relationship skills.  In this post we’ll look at one simple exercise to get started.  In later posts we’ll cover more.  I will endeavor to explain the rationale for each and what benefits follow from each exercise.  Here’s one to try.  If you try it, I’d like to hear from you.

Guerilla Gifts

This exercise is designed to help you to communicate better.  It will provide you with an opportunity to experiment with ways to stay connected with the one you love.  You will be able to reconnect with those qualities of the other person that you have known but have not validated in recent time.  The idea is to convey to the other person the degree and depth of your gratitude that they are in your life.  In gratitude, you will give that person gifts of validating responses.  You make validating responses whenever you behave towards the other as though they mattered.  The responses can be verbal or nonverbal.  It is not necessary (for this exercise) to go out and buy something from the store.  In fact, a gift of self in action is far more valuable than what you can purchase.  The range of these gifts is very broad.  It can include such things as: an outright statement of thanks, a simple touch at an unexpected time, a kiss for no reason other than it feels good, an interested look when the other says something, a random act of recognition of the other's special qualities.  Well, you get the idea.  As the name implies, these gifts should be totally unexpected and strike the other out of the blue.  Best bet:  give them without any expectation that they will be recognized.  Imagine that in the giving of the gift you are really doing it because it is good for you to do so.

In the space below list some validating responses you could make with your spouse.  Make sure you have at least one item in each of the categories.  Beside each entry note the number of times you intend to do that thing in the next week, each day or whatever.  Now add 10% to that number.  As you achieve the new goal add 10% more of the same or some new items.  The goal is to become as automatic in giving gifts as you are in anything else you do by habit. 

Direct spoken thanks for the other being in you life                           # of times per .........

______________________________________                    _______/_______

______________________________________                    _______/_______

______________________________________                    _______/_______

Touching Gratitudes                                                                           # of times per..........

______________________________________                    _______/________

______________________________________                    _______/________

______________________________________                    _______/________

Random acts of kindness                                                                   # of times per...........

______________________________________                    _______/________

______________________________________                    _______/________

______________________________________                    _______/________

Respectful attending                                                               # of times per...........

______________________________________                    _______/________

______________________________________                    _______/________

______________________________________                    _______/________

Other (your own invention)                                                                 # of times per...........

______________________________________                    _______/________

______________________________________                    _______/________

______________________________________                    _______/________