R-E-S-P-E-C-T Building and Restoring it

If you read the last post you know we are talking about respect being so important to any relationship.  Without it or a sufficient amount of it, the relationship soon withers or worse becomes exploitive, demeaning or perfunctory.  It has been my experience that many of the folks who read things like this about building a better relationship, already have one in good to, better shape.  This is evidenced by the fact that they are committed to the relationship enough to take the time and energy to read this kind of post.  However, I know there are folks reading this who see their relationship as troubled and in need of assistance.  The things we talk about here are things that relationship pros already do.  We know that the rule says if you want to have a relationship as functional as the pros have, then you should do as the pros do.  There is an old axiom: WALK THE WALK, TALK THE TALK.  I know that there is a common barrier to Too often,  people say that they want to be and act differently and are willing to walk the walk and talk the talk but they want the other person to start first.  Not sure why this is so.  Just know that folks seem to believe that trying something in the relationship that the other person doesn’t see or recognize will somehow leave them more vulnerable; feeling foolish.  If you wish to be better at relationships then start acting that way.  Even if the other person does not engage, at least you will have the satisfaction that you did all you could.  When I ask folks to behave in these proven productive, happy and healthy ways; they often report experiencing them as weird or unnatural.  That is usually because their “normal” is the way they’ve become habituated and it is not productive or healthy.  Just because it is the way we’ve always done it doesn’t mean it is necessarily the best way, however comfortable we have become with it.  I see folks habitually doing things that are damaging to or at least not helpful to their relationships.  Sometimes they have come to the awareness that what they are doing is not working.  Sadly, too often, they make the strategic error of deciding that it is not working because they are not doing it hard enough or perfectly enough.  This is a similar mistake we make when we say some thing that someone doesn’t understand and we try to clarify with increased volume. We’ve all done that one time or another.

To summarize, if your relationship is in good shape and you’d like it to be better, then this stuff will serve you.  If your relationship is not what it should be, this stuff will also serve you.  The exercises and experiments we present here are not designed to fix pathology or cure sick relationships but to give relationships direction and tools for growth.  We can get in to habits of communication that we don’t intend to be damaging to the relationship but none the less are.  It is difficult to simply stop doing something that doesn’t work.  First, we have to recognize what it is that is not working.  Even then it is difficult to stop doing that which has been habituated over a long time.  Best strategy is to do the right or a better thing at the times you would be doing the unwanted thing.  Doing the wanted behavior deliberately and often will crowd out the unwanted behavior.   In examining troubled relationships one common observation is that one or both members of the relationship speak of the other in demeaning or pejorative terms if they speak of them at all.  All too common examples include: “the battle ax, the old man, the ball and chain, stupid, goofy, bossy” and the list goes on.  The talk about the other may be more extensive and goes into extensive detail about the other’s perceived deficits.  In happy, healthy relationships, each speaks of the other outside the relationship in a respectful, even, admiring way.  Sadly, in some relationships you might not know the individual is in a relationship because they are not mentioned outside of the relationship at all.  It is a good idea to discipline yourself to speak of the person in your life in a positive and even endearing way.  Such unsolicited comments can be said directly to the loved one and should be delivered without an expectation of return or reward.  Better still,  these positive comments about the other  can be delivered to people outside the relationship.  Research supports the view that such comments outside the relationship have an almost magical, positive effect on the relationship

An Experiment

In that regard, here is an experiment you might find interesting and helpful. 

Over the next several days discipline yourself to mention a positive trait, quality or characteristic the other possesses.  It can be said when the other is present or not. Pick a number of times you intend to do this per day and be diligent and planful about it.  There is no universally best number of times to do this exercise.  You might start small, say once or twice a day at first.  If it begins to feel comfortable and you can remember to keep up the pace you can increase the frequency. Take time to identify a trait, quality or characteristic you find admirable, likable, or lovable in the other and make that the thing you share.  You can share with family, friends colleagues, strangers or your partner in the relationship. 

Do this for 7 to 10 days then take time to reflect on the experiment.  What was the outcome? Did you have a particularly difficult time with any part of the experiment?   Has your general behavior toward or about the other changed?  Was the experiment positive?  Is it worth doing again?  Would you like to identify another trait, quality or characteristic to share with others?  You can share that you are trying this exercise with the other person in your relationship or not.  My experience tells me there is benefit in doing either or both.  I hope that this kind of behavior is or becomes a happy habit for you.  I hold you will eventually find that you are doing it automatically and unconsciously.  Maybe this could become a habit that replaces a less fruitful one for you.

If you find the time, let me know if you did this experiment and what it meant to you.   I’d like to hear about your experience.

AXIOM (a rule about which we generally agree)

If you want your relationship to be better, you should change what you can change.  You can’t wait for the other to move first.  Placing blame in a relationship is like saying “your side of the ship is sinking”