"R-E-S-P-E-C-T Find out what it means to me

R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me

With thanks to Otis Redding who wrote it and Aretha Franklin who sang it

In the scientific research on what makes relationships work, the word respect often arises.  Anecdotally, the great marriage and family therapists talk about it all the time.  The researchers’ outcomes and therapists’ experiences note that the quality of a relationship is a function of the ratio of the number of respectful and loving transactions shared by the parties in the relationship vs the number of disrespectful ones.  They note that early in the bright shiny days of the relationship the positive transactions in the relationship far outnumbered the negative ones.  By the time a couple gets to our offices (or sadly an attorney’s) that ratio had been reversed.  Sadly, the couple seems to have gotten out of the habit of the former and gotten into the habit of the latter ratio.  Happy long-term relationships can be seen as having a positive ratio on an on-going basis.  Folks in long term happy, functional relationships demonstrate their grasp of the form and dimensions of this essential variable in relationships.

Respect.  Most of us are familiar with the word.  We’ve certainly been exposed to it through most of our lives.  We’ve been told “to respect our elders”, show a little “more respect”, “earn another’s respect”, “be worthy of someone’s respect”, “respect your mother and father”, etc.  Most of the time the definition we were given to understand about what respect was, was in the form of being chastised for being disrespectful.  In other words, being respectful was not being disrespectful.  We had to learn about respect through successive movements away from disrespectful.  It’s a wonder we ever caught on.  Too bad someone didn’t give us a more proactive definition.  It would have been nice if someone had said, “this set of thoughts, feelings, behaviors are respectful.”  Instead, we were taught which ones were disrespectful and we were still left to guess which ones weren’t disrespectful and therefore potentially respectful.  If we were lucky, we had role models around us (family friends, associates, teachers, etc.) who knew how to be respectful and practiced it often. We could and would have unconsciously mimicked or modeled ourselves on their behavior and gotten along pretty well.  However, that still would not have given us a good framework for what respect meant.  Let’s look at a dictionary definition of respect, maybe that will help.

Re·spect

/rəˈspek(t)/

noun

• 1.a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements: “the director had a lot of respect for Douglas as an actor"

• Similar esteem regard high regard high opinion Opposite contempt

• 2.due regard for the feelings, wishes, rights, or traditions of others: “young people's lack of respect for their parents"

I must tell you; I find this very helpful.  In my practice, my clients could report that their relationship was not ruled by this definition.  It was clear to them that it needed to be and they wanted it to be that way again.  Instead, they demonstrated the total opposite of this definition on a daily basis.  Their statements and actions toward each other were marked with contempt or, perhaps worse, total disregard.  A popular exercise for people in this circumstance is to think back to better times, when they first met perhaps.  They should identify the things they saw in the other that they found admirable and should spend time focusing on them.  It is a good idea to notice that endearing quality remains and you could share that regained awareness with the other.   Occasionally you will identify a trait, quality or characteristic you formerly admired or loved in the other but realize that now it seems irritating, aggravating, or unlovable.  It may well be that this is a trait, quality or characteristic that was different from your own.  In the past you may have seen that difference as charming, powerful, intriguing or lovably unlike yourself.  Doubtless, you celebrated and openly admire that difference.  Now that difference has morphed into something else.  Research shows that relationships that happily endure are ones in which the parties celebrate differences between them.  Maybe it is time to refocus on the trait quality or characteristic and remind yourself of what was charming, powerful, intriguing or lovable about it.  Make a list of theses great things about the other.  Yes, take the time to invest in the relationship.  Not so hard to do, in fact it is a simple exercise that takes only a little bit of discipline.  When you have finished the list, take one more small moment to share the list with the other.  You may recall that you used to do this unconsciously and automatically in earlier, better times.  It could be that that is what made those earlier times better.  Worth a try.

Next post let’s look at another exercise that will help restore respect to the relationship.  It is a simple one and worth experimenting with.  Now is as good a time as any to remind you that these exercises I am recommending are best seen as experiments that help us understand things better.  They may help us change or they may provide us with data that could lead us to change.  In any case, seen them as discovery tools.  Take the time to examine what about these experiences are worth knowing.