Relationship modeling parable

In a recent trip, I had an interesting thing happen that is relevant to this line of discussion about relationships and how to enhance and enrich them.  I was sitting in the airport waiting for my delayed flight to arrive so that I could get home.  In the same waiting area was a family.  We were the only 5 people there.  I guess they decided to be polite and invited me to join them since I looked so lonesome sitting there all by myself.  As I observed them, I reckoned that of the four adults, there was a young married couple and her parents. As I watched I noticed the younger man closely watching his father-in-law.  It was clear that the 2 men thought well of each other and had some affection for each other.  They were easy in each other’s company and spoke and laughed freely.  They spoke openly enough that I could follow their conversation quite easily.  Whenever the elder of the two spoke with either of the two women I noticed that he was respectful and attentive to their responses and expressed needs. They in turn appeared to respect him and had real affection for him. The younger of the 2 men had a similar way of transacting with his wife and mother-in-law.  Altogether, transactions among all of them were marked by humor and mutual regard.  I over heard that they were on a trip to celebrate the 30th anniversary of the older couple and were just returning.  The younger couple had been married for 5 years and had gone along with her parents to help them celebrate a marriage that was loving, happy, durable and productive.  The overall level of respect, humor and good will displayed by these folks made it comfortable and enjoyable to be around them.

During our rather lengthy delay the 2 women decided to pass the time by browsing in some of the shops nearby.  Alone with the 2 men I took the opportunity to chat with them and ask them a few questions.  I shared with them my observations of their family and how I admired them.  I told them that I was a therapist and one of the things I did for a living was relationship and family counseling.  I noted that their pattern of transacting and the older man’s long-term relationship appeared, on such a limited examination, to be prototypical of a wholesome, happy and productive relationship.  I observed that their relationship was the kind of relationship people came to me seeking to have in their own lives.  I noted that they had already been traveling for some time and were facing an unexpected delay.  I could see that they were understandably tired and a little frazzled but in spite of that they remained respectful and considerate of each other. I asked them how they accounted for this.  They both said they didn’t give it much thought.  They moted that they hadn’t been asked that question.  The older man considered the question for a bit and said he believed that the way he was toward his wife was just the way he had learned was proper.  He said he “came up” in a family where his father, indeed all the adult men acted respectfully to the spouses in their lives.  When one of them got out of line and operated disrespectfully or in an unloving manner, other men would speak up and help him to be aware and rectify his behavior.  They weren’t being intrusive or nosey.  They were being loving and supportive.  He learned this by observing this on a day-to-day basis and couldn’t imagine being any other way.  He knew that some folks outside his family didn’t operate in the same loving and respectful way.  He would note that some folks were sarcastic, mean and demeaning towards the people in their lives that they were supposed to be loving. His dad and the other adult males in his family would remind him that being so unloving and disrespectful was not a proper way for a man to operate. He summarized that the way he was with his family just seemed “natural.”   At this point is son-in-law spoke up. He confessed that when he got married, he was sure he had this relationship thing well in hand.  That is until he got the chance to see his father-in-law operate.  As is always the case, there were some rough adjustment patches in the early days of their marriage.  He found that he struggled for answers to how to be and realized that his father-in-law seemed to have a handle on this “married thing.”  According o him his father-in-law seemed accessible and easy to talk to so he decided to turn towards him for support and guidance.  He admitted that his early years were not at all like his father-in-law’s so he didn’t have the same ready refence for how to act in a relationship.   Respectfully disagreeing with his father-in-law, he told him that he believed that his in-law’s relationship was unusual and one to be copied.  So, he found himself observing the older man for tips on how to be successful in this relationship.  He took the opportunity to ask for guidance when he could.  His father-in-law, in turn, freely gave advice and support to this new young man in his family.  His father-in -law chimed in noting that was a natural continuation of his family’s tradition.   

All-in-all, the time spent with these folks was both enjoyable and instructive.  I let them know that the lessons they taught me and reminded me of would find their way into my practice.  I wanted them to know how valued my time with them was.  In turn, they thanked me for giving them the chance to make conscious some of the things they were doing.  The father-in-law said that he thought that being conscious of “this stuff” would help them to be more conscious of the need to keep working on their relationships.

We need to turn to others for advice, guidance and support in our relationship lives.

I am reminded of an article that Ann Landers once wrote.  She stated that she had personally observed the following while dining in a restaurant. I don’t remember it verbatim, but this will give you the gist.

Two couples like the ones we were just talking about, young couple and in-laws, were out to dinner.  In due course, the older couple had a disagreement about a series of events in their life together.  The older man gave up and said to his wife “yes dear you could be right.”  Later when the to women left the table to “powder their noses” the younger man asked why the older man had give up so easily.  They older man said, “Son in differences with your spouse, not all battles need to be fought.  You need to pick the hill you want to die on.”