Relationship reset routine

Continuing the conversation I had with the newlyweds on the cruise.  They were interested in the general comments I had made about what makes relationships last.  They said that what I had to say was certainly true for the bond between them, their love was so strong.   They both said they were sure they wouldn’t need any detailed advice on how to move forward since they were certain that their love was so strong and so pure that it would remain uncorrupted and sustain them for 56 years and more just like my wife and I.  But; in the interest of caution and being ok with getting relationship insurance, they wanted me to share some practical advice I might have for strengthening and nurturing their relationship so it was doubly likely to endure.  In any case they were sure that knowing some good things to do to nurture a relationship sure couldn’t hurt. 

I started by reminding them that the things they might do that have power in building and maintaining their relationship will almost always be very simple.  They shouldn’t think that because things are simple that they will not be effective.  They shouldn’t make the mistake of thinking that simple is the same thing as easy.  The effective relationship builders require repetition and attention to detail.  They can be learned or relearned and don’t need post graduate degrees or special skills training.  They just need to be applied regularly and with respect. One last thing; these things need to happen and need to be applied even when there doesn’t seem to be an apparent, current need for them.  Rather, applying them when not needed will help to assure that they will be less likely to be needed.  So, pay attention and by diligent.

So here are some simple but effective techniques.

Simple technique #1

I call this technique orienting.  It means, simply, turning towards your partner often.  It means looking at them and turning yourself towards them when they are with you and especially when they are talking.  They may not consciously recognize that you are doing this but they will feel that you are present and that what they are and what they say has value to you. I enjoy watching newlyweds when they are together.  The old song, “I only have eyes for you” was written for and by these folks.  Yes, they are starry eyed.  Yes, they are clearly infatuated. Yes, they are all about discovering new and wonderful things about each other.  Some of this can be attributed to infatuation and early romance.  Sadly, I have seen couples in my office where none of this seems to be present.  Somehow these folks have started to assume they know each other.  They do not attend to each other when communicating.  They don’t bother looking at or listening to each other.  Rather they often appear to be waiting for the other to finish so they can have their say.  When I ask folks how they reckon things got this way, they say a number of things.  They’ll say they’ve just been so busy that the relationship ended up on a back burner.  Or they’ll say the kids came along and they lost track of each other. They may blame the other for not caring or taking them for granted or “falling out of love.”   They always seem to want to find the reason for this distance.  It seems important to them that they know why it's not as good as it once was.  There seems to be a tendency to want to find a cause outside of the relationship.  Sometimes the cause of the relationship demise is outside the relationship.  It can be things like mental illness getting in the way of folks getting along.  It is too common that the outside agency is an addiction to drug or alcoholism.  I’ve seen social or community stressors fracture a relationship.

While all those things might be true, it is just as likely that the relationship is failing because both of the parties stopped doing the little things.  A dear friend of mine who specializes in working with couples, states that she has had success by simply (there’s that word again) getting them back into the set of thoughts, feelings and behaviors they exhibited when they “fell in love.”  She said that the most difficult part of doing this work was convincing them that something as simple as,” walk the walk and talk the talk” could actually work. They struggled with believing that acting “as if” they were still as positively connected as they had once been might make it so. 

Examples?

So, when she talks to you, continue to listen as though she is a secret treasure to be uncovered. She surely was, is and will remain that precious resource you discovered.  Be willing to have her tickle and surprise you.  If you open yourself to that, it is much more likely to happen. 

So, when he talks, don’t role your eyes or look like you don’t have time right now.  Ask questions and seek greater understanding.  Play the old TV game of 50 questions.  When he says something that can have more than one interpretation, ask questions that fit the who, what, when, where, and how rule.  Keep asking until you are sure you understand and then ask another question or two. 

When she says something in passing, touch her arm as you look at her.  Repeat back what she is trying to convey instead of assuming you already understand.  Maybe (I repeat maybe) you could well already understand.  If you don’t, then you will be showing that what she says has value and is worth understanding correctly and you can avoid tensions based on misunderstanding. In any case you will be showing she is worth your taking the time to understand.   

I could go on with a thousand other examples, but you get the idea.  I often ask them to recall some small and simple thing the other did early on that they found compelling and affectionate.  Remember simple is the key.  It does involve a grand gesture or expense gift.  Make a list of the little things you can recall and ask the other to do them again.  Might work.  Will work.  Does work.

Next time well look at some more of the tips I gave.

Assumptions are the termites of relationships.

Henry Winkler