Some hallmarks of a relationship that is working

The first question many have when it comes to relationships is, what does ”working” look like? There have been many definitions for a “working” relationship; some of them romantic, some of them fanciful, some even poetic.  If you read Elizabethan poetry or listen to love ballads or country music, I’m sure you have some notion of what a relationship might look like.  Let me suggest a way for us to find a working definition.   We could look to people who have had a relationship that has been durable, happy and growthful.   I’m sure we’ve all known people in relationships who fit this bill.  They’ve been together for a long time and would say they have good relationship satisfaction.  In my business there are a number of ways of measuring relationship satisfaction including self-report by the folks in the relationship and surveys that empirically measure satisfaction.  When we are able to identify these folks, we can look at what they do to nurture their relationship that folks who aren’t doing as well in their relationship don’t do.

There are a great many things that successful “relaters” do on a routine basis.  We have no hope of covering all of them here but we can look at some that are most common.  Every relationship has its own style and form.  However, all the successful relationships we can examine have similar elements and behaviors.  These elements are rarely or never seen in relationships that are toxic and/or failing.  The common elements/behaviors of successful relationships seem to be universal.  They appear in all kinds of places and all kinds of cultures.  In fact, we have identified these elements/behaviors by observing successful relationships in many places and in many cultures.  Much of what we are going to talk about follows a simple axiom.  It is: If you want to be a winner, do what the winners do.  There are many variations of this rule, walk the walk, talk the talk, etc. A common belief is that these elements or behaviors occur because folks have found themselves in a successful relationship.  The opposite is the case.  People make their relationships successful because they do these behaviors and infuse these elements into their relationship. 

If you think that this all sounds like work, that is because it is.  During the flush and rush of the beginning of the relationship, the activities we engage in don’t seem like work, they just seem to come to us.  Being oriented to the other and fascinated by their traits, qualities and characteristics doesn’t seem like a chore but a natural, almost magical happenstance.  “I didn’t do anything, it just happened.”  “I fell in love.” “I was overcome with emotion.” All of these common sayings show that people who say them are unaware that much of what they felt and did, they felt and did.  The other didn’t make you love them.  Love and affection didn’t fall from the heavens.  A fat little cupid did not shoot you with a love arrow. You found someone to love. You loved them with word and deed.  You contributed to the magic of the relationship and you felt its magic.  These things were within your control.  And these things can remain in your control.  Maybe you need to have a little schooling or coaching to help you know what you did previously that worked for the relationship or help you to learn new ones.

In future posts we will examine these elements/behaviors that contribute to successful relationships in depth.  I will try to describe each of the elements or behaviors and give an example or two to illustrate.  Further we will look at some of the hallmarks and indicators of successful relationships and how to build them.  They will include….

·       Commitment

·       Respect

·       The 5 to 1 rule

·       Healthy selfish

·       Act as if

·       Dreams endorsement

·       Orientation

·       Emotional Intimacy

·       Celebrate difference

If you have any other things to add to the list, let me know.  This list is a beginning and will doubtless grow and change.  I don’t want you to assume that I think anything on this list is any more or less important based on their location on the list.  I promise the list was put together as each of the items occurred to me.  I look forward to sharing with you and responding to your questions and comments.