Some Thoughts About Better Relationships

Relationships are defined by us and we define them.  They are an essential part of who we are, for good or ill.  Here we will look at relationships.  We’ll define what they are, how they work/don’t work, and find things that work/don’t work in finding, building and maintaining them.  A real effort will be made to ensure that anything presented here is field tested by me and other practitioners or empirically tested in good, replicated research.  We sure don’t know everything about what goes into engineering a wholesome, durable relationship but we know some things that work for sure. Some of those tried true and tested techniques will be examined here and are worth trying.  I will not give prescriptions here.  I don’t know you or your circumstance well enough to presume to know what to tell you to do.  However, I will tell you about some things others have tried with some success.  I will also suggest some experiments you might try that should help you to explore and understand your relationships and your relationship style.

Some important points to ponder.  There are no universal rules or tips for how to build a relationship. There are some general rules for relationships that are rooted in our fundamental universal humanity.  Individuals in successful relationships seem to know and routinely apply these rules in their relationships.  Successful relationship practitioners know that relationships are work and need commitment and respect in order for them to be successful and rewarding.

For emphasis:  relationships are hard work and successful relationships are those where folks have been working hard at them.  In this regard, I remember a talk I once heard by a minister who gave relationship counseling.  He was very skilled and compassionate and understood that folks who came to him were desperate for help and guidance.  How else could you account for people wanting to tell uncomfortable things about themselves, each other and the relationship to a stranger.  He recognized that he was going to be asking people to work hard and take some risks in order to repair a relationship that seemed fatally damaged.  He said he asked couples to recall when they first met and what it was like in the early days of their relationship.  Specifically, he asked them to remember how valued the relationship seemed and how hard they worked to form it.  He asked them to estimate how much of their time was spent thinking about the other and planning ways to connect with the other person and ways to please the other person.  He also asked them if they had been working that hard at the relationship recently.  His punch line.  People don’t “fall out of love,” more often they stop loving (working at the relationship).

Nice story.  But it is more than that.  It is the orienting principle for many of the posts to come.  In my practice I would tell people that story and they would say that they didn’t think they knew how TO DO what I was suggesting when I told them to do more loving things.  Further they weren’t sure if what I was suggesting was possible.  If it could even work.  My job at that point was to convince them to try some relationship exercises and experiments to see if positive movement was possible. I coached them in how to return to those old loving ways and to develop new ones.  Let’s explore some of those exercises and experiments.  These things are not just for folks in troubled relationships.  They may well help to improve both troubled and healthy relationships.  Couldn’t hurt to have a good relationship get better.  If you have questions or feedback, I’d like to hear from you.