"We just don't communicate anymore"

In my practice I would routinely ask the question, "why are you here?" or "What do you think has gone wrong with the relationship". As you might expect, I have heard many different responses to these questions. The most common one is, "We don't communicate anymore". I understand that that is their belief. I get that they think that they don't communicate or interact anymore. However, the opposite is invariably true. When they say "we don't communicate anymore" they are responding to a circumstance where they don't experience their communication as positive, growthful, satisfying, healthy or helpful. What would be more accurate for them to say is that "we still communicate but our communications have soured, become negative, demeaning, critical and contemptuous." When sitting in my office I can see that their communication style is destructive and very common to relationships that are dysfunctional. In spite of the fact that they are trying to be on their best behavior, their dysfunctional style shines through in a number of common ways. I can see contempt, blaming, criticism, projection, etc. in spite of their attempts to seem like the party willing to work thing out but being frustrated by the behavior or stonewalling of the other. In future blogs we'll look at the ways positive communication mechanisms morph into blaming and criticism. Armed with this information we can examine ways to reverse that toxic process.

Quote of the day

Placing blame in marriage is like saying your side of the boat is sinking. Hank Smith